Strongly Worded

The curtain, the window, and the banister

Have I mentioned yet that I live in an owner-occupied house? I have the apartment on the ground floor, and Mary and Chucky, a retired Greek couple, live upstairs with their two grown daughters (how the grown daughters can endure this is beyond me). While I know "owner occupied" is usually considered a good thing, since the landlords are usually attentive and close by, in my case the owners, while extremely attentive, also provide a level of surveillance for which I was not prepared.

Case in point: just as I emerged from the shower this morning, I heard a knock on the door. I found Mary (in a housecoat and fuzzy slippers) and Chucky (in paint-splattered overalls) wanting to "talk about a few things." Mary has this extreme, loud, nasal Boston-accented manner of speaking, and Chucky has a booming Greek-accented voice ("we talk strong" he said today, "because we European.") Both of them always sound like they're yelling.

The impetus for their visit was the fact that my front door was slightly ajar, and therefore they could see into my bathroom, which is straight across from it. As I mentioned, I'd just come out of the shower, and therefore the bathroom curtain was still partially extended. Recently, I'd been instructed to leave the curtain bunched up ALL THE WAY on one end, because the pipe in the other corner froze last year, and the former tenant "went three days without bath." Because I am a compliant person, and because I don't want to go "without bath" I have always pulled the curtain away as instructed, but at this MOMENT the curtain was still wet, and so I had not yet bunched it up, and at that moment they happened by.

After I apologized for the lack of curtain extension, and demonstrated the wedge that keeps the bathroom door open to allow for warm air circulation, which I have demonstrated on each one of the 16 times Mary has mentioned it, we moved on to a discussion of the window.

"We like you" said Chucky, "We're like your parents, we want what's best for you. Don't hate us, and we won't hate you. So, another thing. We have steam heat, and ... [long explanation of steam heat vs. forced air] if it gets too hot, call us. We won't be offended, we'll turn down the heat. Or, you can turn off the valve [demonstration of valve-turning]. But do not open the window ... [long explanation of why opening the window is a bad idea]."

I swear, I swear, I opened the window for FIFTEEN minutes on Sun. night when I had friends over for fondue and it was getting too warm. It's a little uncanny and unsettling that they noticed, and are bringing it up.

After I agreed to keep the windows closed at all times, we moved on to discuss the extremely icy, extremely steep, extremely treacherous driveway, and the need to hold on to the banister EVERY time I leave the house, because ... [long description of the potential for bodily harm]."

In conclusion, Chucky said, as they retreated upstairs, "as long as you cooperate, we all be happy."

Yes, I am very happy with my owner-occupied apartment. Especially when I pay $1175 in rent, when I'm roasting down here breathing stale-air, and gripping on to the banister each and every time I leave the house.

Posted by Dori at 9:53 AM