Strongly Worded

Women Should Ask

Last summer, my friends R., K., and M. and I formed an ill-fated book club (meaning, we read two books, sort of read a third, and then haven't met since.). We first read Women Don't Ask, which is a brilliant, brilliant book which basically attributes some of the gender divide (in terms of unequal pay and opportunities, etc.) to women's reluctance to ask--for promotions, raises, help with caregiving and domestic work--you name it. My favorite line in the book is the author's recommendation that pregnant women ask their partners: "how are you going to take care of your child while you're at work?"

The book presents compelling research that shows that, in controlled experiments, women are much less likely than men to advocate for themselves and to negotiate for what they want. While I believe that "not asking" is only one of MANY factors (such as sexism, socialization, discrimination ...) that screw women over, I do concur that it has a place in our understanding of women's issues.

Since reading that book I negotiated:
- a higher salary than I was offered for my current job;
- deals on multiple yard-sale items, including my beloved Crate and Barrel table;
- credit from my phone company when they gouged me on calls to Europe; and
- some too-boring-to-get-into concessions from my landlady.

HOWEVER, despite all this, and the strident indoctrination I received from my women's college, I am still, fundamentally, a wimp.

Case in point: I hired a consultant months ago to do some "benchmarking" and "business planning" work for us, and today he submitted a two-page "report" which includes insights such as "the availability of foundation funding is declining" and "your leaders need to clarify their visions and goals." (In case it's not obvious--I ALREADY KNOW THIS.) Consultant also submitted a spreadsheet summary of the FOUR measly interviews he conducted. The summary includes strange highlighting and spelling errors. I was so disappointed with the product, but I felt awful raising my concerns, because we've already paid him, and really, the budget was so small, and he's been so nice about everything ...

Then I had a pep talk with David L. (with whom I had brunch recently--and FYI, he is MARRIED), who insisted that I call up Consultant and bring him to task. We practiced wording and the "praise sandwich":

1) "Thanks so much for what you did. I especially liked ..." [what? the font? This will require creativity, because I don't like anything that he did].

2) "However, I was expecting a more coherent report in a format that I can present to the higher-ups ... I need ..." According to David L., the key phrase is "I need" e.g. "I need these changes made by the next staff meeting, and a polished report for distribution by the end of the month."

3) Then I finish up by saying "Thanks so much for all this. It's been a real pleasure working with you and I look forward to the final product."

Of course Consultant was out when I called. But I wrote down assertive talking points so I won't chicken out when he calls me back.

But, alas! The shame continues. Today I had my third (and I think, last) lunch at the "Why Not" diner (that's the real name. It's too funny for a pseudonym. And now I definitely know "Why Not"). As I did last time, I received truly hostile service (I mean that: the bill flung in my face, inconvenienced sighs at my requests for water and napkins ...). So today I asked tentatively for a Western omelet with no ham, and the waitress/owner denied this request with such vigor that I meekly settled for a plain omelet accompanied by an inadequate serving of homefries. And no napkins. Or water. And did I say anything? NO! Did I leave a tip commenserate with the level of service? NO! I just left, feeling totally belittled by this woman.

Although maybe, in this case, actions speak louder than words. There are three other breakfast-all-day places in this town--so--Why Not boycott hers?

Posted by Dori at 5:43 PM