Strongly Worded

Extracurriculars

Like my friend M., who very eloquently describes her extracurricular headaches over at anything said, I find that I, too, have committed myself to a weekly activity that I dislike.

A bit of context: I used to be supergirl, and last year I was a full-time student, working two jobs, serving on one board, and leading another struggling nascent organization. Oh, and I also kept up with my bi-weekly writing group. And tried to go to the gym three times a week.

Part of my ongoing struggle for emotional health has always involved trying to feel good about who I am and not just what I do. I acknowledge that I've filled up my life (ever since I was quite young) with activities in order to feel needed and important and occupied, with the underlying fear that if I didn't have back-to-back meetings, and if people didn't admiringly ask me how I do it all, I'd be sitting at home, alone and bored and useless to the world.

So my challenge, as grad school was winding down, was to quit the board, abandon the struggling nascent organization, and do only things that brought me joy (like my writing group). It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and the most liberating. I found that it was a delightful change. I cooked. I read books. I talked on the phone. I spent lazy weekends with no guilt and no nagging sense of obligation.

And yet ... my job does not afford me much company, and I live alone, so I thought it would be fun to get out in the world a little, and take an Adult Education class, particularly one combining two of my loves: Spanish and film. I signed up for "Conversational Spanish and Cinema" which meets Wednesday nights between 8 and 10:00 p.m.

The class sucks because:
- There are only a handful of people who speak really well, such that most of the conversation is really stilted, and rather than being exposed to good Spanish that will revive mine, I'm getting exposed to subjunctive slaughter. My Spanish is definitely not perfect (and it's especially rusty now, which is why I'm taking the class) but hearing so many mistakes is only making things worse.
- It is hugely inconvenient to track down obscure Spanish films when there are 12 other classmates doing the same thing. I also don't have VHS, and few of the films are on DVD, so I have to go to the library and watch the flick in the little viewing booth, which I hate.
- I also hate having to hang out at work until late and then trek over there at 8:00. Last night I suggested we start at 7:30, and everyone agreed. So at least that's an improvement.
- The class is boring. We just recap the film. Anytime anyone tries to say anything remotely analytical, the instructor kind of nods vaguely, making us feel stupid.

Question: why do I go? Because I paid for the class? I paid to have an enjoyable evening, and I would enjoy the evening much more if I were somewhere else. I have no idea why I feel compelled to maintain this drain on my Wednesdays.

Posted by Dori at 9:50 AM