Strongly Worded

The Experience Is Uneven

I've come to believe that there is some cosmic force out there, governed by an uncanny sense of justice, that dwells outside relationships and bumps love around, so it is always a bit off kilter.

Allow me to explain. In my 14 years of dating, I have never once been in a relationship in which both parties had comparable amounts of free time.

Usually, I have less of it. My high school boyfriend used to show up at school in the evenings and bring me pizza while I was sewing costumes or working on the paper or whatever. He had no friends, and I did; and he did no activities, and I did many, so basically he was always available when I was. Similarly, my Spanish boyfriend (who I met during my year abroad in Spain) was a veterinary student, and basically had only to study during exam season, and occasionally go to class. And I was always busy traveling and teaching English and learning Spanish.

Then, years later, I fell in love with A.P. while we were both working at the fascist consulting place. I was so profoundly underemployed, and had very little to do all day (I would literally swivel in my chair for long periods). I'd entreat him to take long lunches and leave early, but he was all busy and essential, running his department after his boss had a heart attack on the conference room floor. It was tortuous, not just because I was so bored and he was so busy, but because he was so important and therefore I felt so deeply unimportant.

And then, my last boyfriend was unemployed during the entire six month span of our relationship, and his unemployment created a level of inertia that caused him to do nothing. No volunteer work--no networking--no studying--no cooking--no cleaning. Nothing. Meanwhile, I was in grad school and working two jobs and doing all the rest of my madness. It was a constant source of conflict, and I felt guilty and inadequate, and also a little contemptuous. On the weekends he'd want us to sleep in, or go on some getaway, or do some other thing that would have been lovely had I not been trying to finish an accelerated grad school program.

So now, this same cosmic force is dancing around me and my Guy, who has a very time-consuming job. He is in his first of four years of demanding training, which, unlike the training endured by the people on E.R. (which was one of my favorite shows before it got all crazy and George Clooney left), requires a lot of studying, paper-writing, and presentations. The people on E.R. mainly run around saving lives and averting trauma, and then they go home and have secret liasions with one another. My Guy, in contrast, saves lives and averts trauma during the day, and then, rather than having a liasion with me, he goes home and reads about metasthatic things and radioactive things and pancreatic things and a lot of other things I can't spell or pronounce.

This means that even though he works fairly normal hours, my Guy is essentially still a student, and therefore has tiny slivers of "girlfriend time" in which I may insert myself. The cosmic force is cackling, because, as I've expressed on multiple occasions, this is not the busiest time of my own life. In fact, I may have more free time now than I've ever had. My not-even-full-time job and my bi-weekly writing group are my only standing commitments, and I'm trembling under this persistent heavy question: what am I doing on this planet, exactly, if I have all this time on my hands? And I'm feeling this creepy sense of retroactive empathy for the people who loved me when I was busy.

To add to this difficult state of affairs, I just heard a story about a high-powered couple; both of them were extremely ambitious and career-oriented. They lived together and planned to move to a new city, where the guy had been offered a job. They took off to go and look at houses--and they spent several consecutive days together--for the first time in their two-year relationship. Then they broke up. While I'm sure the cosmic force was only one of many players in this sad story, I'm still chilled.

Posted by Dori at 9:53 PM