Strongly Worded

Not My Finest Hours

So today I attended this work-related conference, and I behaved badly. I always consider these events as learning opportunities, and also as opportunities to present myself as impressive and articulate to other attendees, who may one day want to hire me/fund me/date me.

I doubt any of these things will result from my snarky behavior today. Words just shot out of my mouth; my inner censor was on time delay, as if I were singing in a stadium or something (apparently when you sing in a stadium, the amplification creates a sound delay of several seconds). About halfway through one of my statements, the censor would kick in: Don't say that! Why are you saying that? Stop! And alas, it would be too late.

Some details, for your amusement:

Upon my arrival, two other attendees recognized my organization (which appeared on my name tag). They oohed and aahed because they'd heard about some partnership work we're doing. And instead of just oohing and aahing agreeably, I said: "In fact, we are getting funded for an "exploration of ways we can most effectively collaborate"."

And I made that "quotation marks in the air" gesture. My tone was snarky. It was snarky because:
- "most effectively collaborate" is a euphemism for "merger";
- it was 8 a.m.; and
- I've just been feeling snarky lately.

The admirers at the table were taken aback and made a funny remark about my quotations in the air, at which point my inner censor kicked in and I quickly rushed to explain that my dismissive tone had only to do with the management-speak, not the process itself, which is (of course) really illuminating and valuable.

Then I bumped into a funder in the hallway, who greeted me warmly. I was genuinely impressed that she remembered me, because we've only met once, when I was photographed with her while she presented me with a giant check (to clarify: it was a physically giant check, and not at all financially giant).

I have shame associated with this woman because:
- On the day the picture was taken, I was wearing a very casual outfit, given blizzard conditions and (OK, I'll admit it) the fact that I had completely forgotten about the photo op until I was already at work;
- When I wrote a thank you letter for the aforementioned check, I mail-merged poorly, such that the wrong amount appeared in the first line, and she actually (very graciously) had to request that I redo it (for tax documentation); and
- She declined my invitation to an event which we insensitively scheduled for some holiday she observed but I didn't know about.

So, anyway, back to today's humiliation--I gushed about how she remembered my name, and we had a mini love-chat, and then I realized I was wearing a fucking name tag.

Ladies and gentlemen--the fun doesn't end there.

I bumped into a woman in the ladies room who I had hoped to avoid--we worked together once, and she was instrumental in my being laid off, and handled the whole thing in a cowardly and underhanded way.

HER: Dori, wow! So great to see you! I hear you're a director now! Wow! Congratulations! So many great opportunities where you're working.
ME: [snark] Actually, there's not a lot of opportunity--it's a really small community where there is a lot of opposition to our work.
HER: But such a dynamic, small-town environment!
ME: [double snark]: Yes ... it's very parochial ... I'm just now learning to navigate it .... [inner censor kicks in] but it's a great learning experience!

Then, when the first conference session ended, I said to a colleague that it was "a waste of time", in a kind of catty "aren't-we-all-on-the-same-page" tone, after which he indicated that my assessment was a little too harsh. And then during lunch I tried to answer a question while eating a rapidly unwrapping wrap, which spilled unattractively everywhere, and I felt a deep sense of relvusion with myself that I am just now overcoming.

Posted by Dori at 9:23 PM