Strongly Worded

You Crazy Kid!

In keeping with the "don't write about work" theme, I'm share an anecdote about some mail I received a few days ago. It was a blanket resume/cover letter combo, sent by a recent graduate of a good liberal arts college.

I am debating whether to reply to him with some version of the following response:

Dear Mr. Recent Liberal Arts College Grad,

I would never consider hiring you for a number of reasons, outlined herein.

First, you addressed your letter to "Human Resource Manager", which is hilarious, because my office is so tiny that we sure as hell don't have an HR function of any kind. I perform any and all HR duties, such as procuring the "Signs of Sexual Harassment" poster that I am legally obligated to display. It is rolled up under some wires, next to the used printer cartridges.

Mr. Liberal Arts, you must be familiar with the most ubiquitous Google? It would have taken mere minutes to look us up on the web and discover that you should have addressed the letter to me, thus actually indicating that some thought went into this correspondence. You would also have saved 37 cents, since there is clearly no job opening listed on our site. At the very least, you would have established that I am female, and therefore could have avoided the oh-so-awkward "Dear Sir or Madam".

Second, you wrote at least three times that your "people skills" ("I am an extremely personable individual, and I believe I possess several areas of competence that would contribute to the growth and success of your organization" ... "I possess a sharp, young mind") qualify you for a (nonexistent) position at my organization. The loveliness of your personality is for me to assess.

Third, your very long cover letter detailed some impressive and relevant experience that might intrigue me, had you not violated so many central tenets of the job search process. But then your enclosed resume did not incorporate said relevant experience, focusing instead on your lifeguarding experience and those pesky"people skills". AND you mentioned your membership in a "national fraternity." Honey, this is not a selling point.

Fourth, your resume included the line "references: available upon request." That's like you saying "interview: by appointment only." Your references? Available, baby. That's implied.

Fifth, you did not include your email address. Do you think I'm going to call you about a nonexistent job opening? Do you think I'm going to send you a letter? You struck out on the Google front. This is a nail in the coffin.

Instead of pitching your missive in the trash, I have kept it next to the used printer cartridges for a few days, because I used to work for the career office during my own college years, and I'd like you to get this feedback so that someone, somewhere, can tap into all your people skills.

But you didn't enclose your email address. So your letter and resume? Headed for the curb.

Sincerely,

Dori
(Director, HR Manager, IT Specialist, Administrative Coordinator, Copy Bitch.)

Posted by Dori at 1:57 PM