So Complicated
Growing up, I loved the Bangles song “Complicated Girl”. And I’m similarly fond of Avril Levigne’s homage to complexity (aptly called “Complicated”). When I was younger (like, in elementary school), I used to assert that I’m not weird, I’m complex. This seemed, and seems, like a step up.
This weekend, during a wistful discussion of romantic prospects (or, in my case, the lack thereof) I observed that not only am I a challenging, multi-faceted person (OK, I know, angsty and emotionally tangled), but I’m drawn to similarly complicated men. For me, a drug-like euphoria surrounds the discovery of secrets and suffering in a guy’s past. Not only do I feel more secure knowing that he’ll empathize with my own craziness, but I find it exhilarating to be trusted, to hit pay dirt when probing around in his psyche. My favorite social activity is bonding. Whether it’s with a friend or a love-interest, I find it so rewarding to learn about people’s beliefs and experiences. It’s renewing to have meaningful interactions and not just trade updates. I’m drawn to the challenge of understanding people in the context of what they’ve been through.
And I admit I enjoy being an emotional Florence Nightingale. You know those girls who are attracted to gay men because they want to be a pinnacle of womanhood and “convert” them? Or the ones who go for jerks because they think they alone can find and tap into their hidden goodness? Well, I’m a little like that. I’ve loved a lot of very sensitive, very damaged people, and I’m drawn to the idea of being SuperGirlfriend, the One Who Changed Everything. What can happen, though, is that SuperGirlfriend doesn’t get any of her needs met because she’s constantly dealing with the guy’s neuroses. I’ve been there, and it sucks. But when they're good, complications can be very, very good--involving staying up really, really late; and having long phone conversations; and musing about the other person during boring work situations. Yum.
One of my friends, who is as angsty and anxious as I am, is in love with a very steady guy with no issues. Apparently he really has no issues (as opposed to just being repressed). I can’t imagine being with someone like that. The Guy I Was Kissing and With Whom I Just Achieved Mutual Closure had a similarly easy demeanor. Even though he referred to a scandalous past (the whole Scandinavia thing), his behavior was awash in normalcy. I couldn’t get into it. I felt I couldn’t tell him anything very important. He had this wonderful, momentarily sedating effect on me, which would wear off and turn into frustration about our inability to bond. So I think I should add to my online dating profile. I am one complicated girl, seeking a similarly (but not overly) complicated guy.
Posted by Dori at 4:01 PM
1 Comments
Complexity is a topic that anthropologists and other scientists deal with in their research. There's a theorem (and I'm going to butcher this horribly) that says in order to reduce complexity, you apply energy and a limited focus. It's a really abstract idea, but I think it has implications both for research and for one's personal life. That is, if you don't like complexity and feel the need to create order out of chaos. Just a thought.
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