Strongly Worded

Ex-tra, Ex-tra

My old boyfriend needed me yesterday. He had a medical issue and I spent the day with him dealing with it. I expected him to be pained and crabby all day, but in fact he was very chipper. We spent about 12 hours together, lounging around and talking while he recovered. It was quite fun. I’m not sure why that surprises me. I have good relationships with all my ex-boyfriends (well, except for the one in Spain, with whom I have totally lost contact). In general, when I see them I enjoy it. I am reminded of how lovely they are, and then affirmed, because whatever incompatibility that eventually drove us apart is underscored in the interaction. Right now all my exes are in various stages of coupledom, and I experience some serious jealousy on that front, but I’m not jealous of their girlfriends, I’m jealous that they’re coupled and I’m not.

Yesterday, however, was different, and perhaps markedly so in light of recent dating disappointments. My old boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago, and it was deeply devastating. He is brilliant, hilarious, and kind, and I still have deep feelings of love and respect for him. Being the “responsible adult” that signed him out of the hospital was a profound experience. I felt so special, being trusted not just by him but by the medical community that released him into my care (OK, they didn’t know me from Eve, but still). It felt natural to play that role, but it made me ache, because I was playing it for a friend and not a boyfriend. Then, in the ensuing hours of lounging around, we engaged in that even more natural conversation that comes about when two people know each other really, really well, and have the same sense of humor. He is so fucking funny; and described some substandard matzoh balls as “things anti-semites would hurl at Jewish people.”

Our Issues were definitely still apparent in the conversation, but I still kept thinking—maybe I made I mistake? Maybe we could change? Especially now that this health hurdle has been surmounted? We talked about dating prospects and how neither of us have yet felt the instant connection we felt for one another when we met.

I still felt attracted to him, and felt a sharp stab of indignation when he said his new love interest is “insightful”. And he expressed reservations when I told him about Mr. Canine.

Over the course of the day, he took a virtual X-Ray of my soul. He knows me so well. I felt acutely the boyfriend void that gaped open when we broke up, and daunted by how hard it will be to find someone as amazing again.

Posted by Dori at 1:07 PM