Strongly Worded

It All Comes Down To Christmas

As many of you know, I despise the holiday season. As soon as the turkey is cleared away, I descend into the darkness, bracing myself for the pounding assault on single Jewish people everywhere: Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day. I have no problem with Christmas itself, and I wholeheartedly wish my Christmas-celebrating friends and acquaintances all the joy that the holiday entails. My rage and disgust is aimed at the relentless commercialism; the incessant, saccharine music; and the self-congratulation that accompanies the sudden surge of philanthropy (people who pride themselves on their toy for a tot purchase, even though they do nothing else to advance social justice, forgetting (or denying?) that needy tots need adequate food, shelter, and education way more than they need My Scene Barbies.)

But this post is not another scrooge-fest. This post is about the starring role Christmas plays in our love lives. For many of us non-observant “cultural Jews”, marrying within the faith has little to do with religious practice. It’s more about common ground, and shared heritage, and guilt about not propagating a religion that so many have tried to eliminate for so long. It sucks to want to marry a Jewish guy, since there’s a small pool to begin with. Within the pool there are a lot of really nebbishy guys, and many of the other hotter ones end up with non-Jewish women.

Case in point: my progressive and attractive acquaintance, who is a Member of the Tribe (MOT) and engaged to a Christian girl. He knows about my hatred of Christmas (and maybe my frustration with his defecting from the tiny faction of hot Jewish guys), and thus hesitated before telling me about their Christmas tree shopping.

It all comes down to Christmas. When talking about intermarriage, "cultural Jews" often talk about how, if they married outside the faith, they could compromise on many dimensions, and supplement or modify Jewish holidays to incorporate the customs of their partners. Then they almost always add a big BUT: "I could never have a Christmas tree in our home." And that is when the non-Jewish people blanch, and ask: "what's the harm? It's not really a religious symbol; it's just festive, and pretty, and fun." For many "cultural Christians" (who identify as Christians but limit their observance to Christmas and maybe Easter), the Christmas tree is it, a central touchstone, a fixture of their childhood memories and family life.* For Jews it's the opposite. Whether you celebrate or not, Christmas is everywhere. For Jew, not having a Christmas tree is the most obvious indicator of our identity.

So. I winced a little when my progressive and attractive acquaintance got that tree. I understand that he and his fiance are celebrating together, and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with embracing her traditions. I also know that the rate of intermarriage among Jewish men is only slightly higher than among Jewish women (33% vs 29%, even though it seems much higher). And I definitely get that my disapproval/disappointment may be politically incorrect and is definitely pointless.

I've mulled this over for days. And I've listened to Carnie Wilson and one of her former Wilson Phillips bandmates (I forget which one) extolling Jack Frost and his sleigh bells. And I've breathed in overwhelming pine fragrance at Linens N' Things, and been pleasantly blinded by my neighborhood's famously tacky holiday displays. And thus I've been looking forward to a Jewish Christmas, the cliche of movies and Chinese food that is my touchstone, part of my family life, a tradition I want to pass on to my future kids with my future partner.

Here's hoping.

* Obviously, I'm making huge generalizations here--there are plenty of people of all religions who observe holidays and traditions in all kinds of ways, I'm speaking for myself, reiterating conversations I've had many times.

Posted by Dori at 5:07 PM