A Mysterious Encounter
OK, just a little more about men:
So in my last spate of JDating there was only one guy I liked, and after date #2, said guy told me that he thought friendship was a "better fit" for us than dating. This phrase made me want to hurl, but I decided to be all grown up about it, and I agreed that we could hang out as friends. I never thought it would actually happen, but he did contact me, and we've talked on the phone a bunch of times since then, and gone out a non-date (dinner and a movie with no kissing).
Last night we went on non-date #2, and now I am totally confused. We decided to get together in the evening but had no concrete plans, so he came over and we looked online at movies/music and found nothing too enticing. So the guy suggests we get some food near my house and then rent a movie to watch afterwards. Now if this were pre-meditated (meaning he'd proposed watching a movie to begin with), I might take it to mean: "after dinner I would like us to make out," but since the suggestion was made in the context of other options not panning out, I reserved judgment. We had a very lovely meal, and during the meal he told me about how he went out with this woman and felt unattracted to her, but she kept insisting there were sparks when there were none. I took that as warning.
So we got a video and returned to my house and the guy suggested we crack open a bottle of wine, which we did. (Most of you know I don't drink, but I had a few sips to be social). He had a decent amount of wine. We put the DVD on, and I settled onto the armchair as he settled onto the couch. He says: I can't watch this if you're sitting all the way on the other side of the room. Come sit with me.
Now when a female friend comes over to watch a flick, I always sit on the other side of the room, because my couch is pretty small. But whatevs. This guy is cute. I was willing to get a little cozy. So I sat down and he splayed out and puts his arm over the back of the couch/my back, and I'm all: is this a meekly executed arm-around-the-girl? (He was not touching me at all.) Or just a guy taking up space because the world is male-dominated?
We watched the hilarious and vulgar movie. We laughed and chatted. And I was completely mystified. After it ended we lolled around for a little while longer and he left shortly after midnight.
I consulted with a wise male advisor this morning, and he asked why I didn't make a move. I know that I am not a strong sender of signals, so under other circumstances I may have been a little more assertive. But I wasn't feeling electric energy last night, and I also felt like my dignity was in mad jeopardy. He did say explicitly that he wasn't into me in a romantic way (even if it was a long time ago), and if I would have made a move, and been spurned, I might dissolve into a puddle of shame.
So there you have it. Close encounters of the inexplicable kind.
Posted by Dori at 12:12 PM
7 Comments
That evening would kill me. Too vague and as you say inexplicable.
Maybe he just needs a kick in the pants.
Danger Will Robinson! Step away from ambiguguy!
Your instinct not to do anything was correct. You want a relationship. He wants something else. I'm sure he's attracted to you. But that doesn't mean you will get what you need.
Thank goodness you didn't make a move. That's his role, as a male social being. Maybe he is bored and has nothing better to do than make female "friends" online. I think the word "tease" applies to him.
I am often quick to give the heave ho, but maybe this guy needs a chance. I do agree that you should not have made a move given the "friends fit" statement he made. He needs to let you know if that has changed. Another thought is that since it is so freaking hard to meet guys, I'd be hesitant to kick him out completely. However, if he plays the ambiguous card again, I think it's okay to ask him what the deal is. Boys are so difficult! (Even after you find the right one.)
"Since we've established that I don't want a relationship with you, why not try some light sex?"
Your male friend is completely wrong. There is no way, after a guy has explicitly told you that he just wants to be friends, that you should ever make the first move. If you have to chase after a guy to get him into a relationship, you will have to chase after him to keep him in the relationship. If you enjoy spending time with him, please continue to do so, but make sure he makes all first moves, and don't do anything you might regret until he explains why he told you he just wanted to be friends (since this is a great setup for a guy just looking for a casual hookup - he tells girls he meets on the internet that he just wants to be friends, dangles the hope of a relationship in front of them by being all sweet and romantic when they are together, and then after sleeping with girls he can claim that since he announced his true intentions at the start, he is not responsible for your feelings.)
I'm in agreement with Anon #5 up there--sounds to me like he was looking for a hookup, no strings attached; a "friends with benefits" situation, and was trying to figure out if you were on the same wavelength. Of course, if you confront him about it, he'll probably deny.
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