Strongly Worded

End-of-the-week Angst

All the students have left for the summer, and the university where I work is deserted. There are no interesting fliers stuck up in the hallways, or random students dropping by. There was lots of fancy excitement surrounding graduation, and I found myself looking longingly at the caps and gowns and wishing that I, too, were newly launching myself into the world.

I am not teaching this summer, so with work being slow, there is even less to do and think about.This leaves me time to worry about where my life is going. Before making the career change from the not-for-profit to academia, my sense of purpose was built-in. I didn’t have to think too much about my role in the world because my day job promoted the Greater Good. In my series of positions at scrappy organizations, I never had delusions that what I did was particularly effective (or even particularly interesting), but I felt secure in the knowledge that I was in some way Making a Contribution. And for many years, in addition to my professional good work, I also did a lot of volunteering. I served on boards and committees and was incredibly busy. I derived great satisfaction from these activities, but I also depended upon them to feel worthy. Over time, I learned to be OK with coming home after work and “just” seeing friends or going to the gym (or even doing nothing!). After a lot of angst, I let go of many commitments except two: I still work on health care quality issues, and belong to an infrequently-meeting group that promotes women’s mentorship in the Jewish community.

When I left the not-for-profit world, I assured myself that while I was selling out to some extent, I would find other ways to do good. I would get active in new organizations and find new ways to be idealistic. But I left my soul-sucking-but-philanthropic job about a year ago, and so far I haven’t done that. Occasionally, when I’m sitting on the train or walking or spacing out, I feel really disappointed in myself. Through my day job (which is still a foster job), I realize maybe 20% of my energy and brain power. Nurturing my friendships is important to me, but I don’t have a family or partner to take care of, nor do I do creative things like so many of my friends. So what am I doing with my life and what’s the point of having a good heart, an able mind, and a stellar education?

I don’t think I need a life coach or therapy or yoga or a silent retreat. But I don’t know how I’m going to figure this out.

Posted by Dori at 9:54 PM