Road Buddy
So I've mentioned about 80 billion times that my new job (located in a posh suburb) involves a significant commute. When I accepted the position, I reasoned that I would carpool with the many other employees would reside in the much (much) more affordable area in which I live. Immediately, I posted a ride-share proposal on the online community bulletin board. I got nary a spark of interest. I also checked craigslist (it has a ride share-page) and goloco (an entire site devoted to community-minded transportation). Nada.
Consequently, I've been riding the college-sponsored bus, which takes forever and doesn't run during the month-long break between semesters, or in the summer. So during those periods, I'll have to either drive myself (scary, carbon-emitting), or take the commuter rail, which takes longer and costs more ($5.25 each way!) than the already-annoying bus.
Probably I will drive most of the time. And here's the thing. The only co-worker who lives in my neighborhood lacks a car as well. Right now we ride the bus together, and I hate it. I don't want to talk to anyone during my commute, especially someone I supervise. I want to listen to my iPod, or sleep (kind of privately - who knows what I look like, when dozing?). I don't want to chitchat, and I especially don't want to talk about work. Also: I walk briskly and with purpose. And "Sophie" walks so, so slowly. Seriously: it's agonizing.
I think she mostly gets the bus part: I put my bag down on the seat next to me to carve out some personal space. I greet Sophie and smile when she gets on the bus in the morning, but I do not initiate a real conversation. I have said pointedly that I consider commuting time to be sacred and work-free.
But here's the thing. During bus-free months, if we both take the commuter rail, then we have to walk together through snow and cold (or blistering heat), from the train to the office. This is a 15- minute walk at Sophie's pace and takes under 10 minutes at mine. A shared walk may kill me. And if I drive, then there's no way I can, in good conscience, avoid taking her. Which will mean going out of my way to pick her up, coordinating the timing, and being social during the FIFTY minute drive. There will be no swearing or tuneless car-singing, and my non-confident driving skills will be judged. I will spend close to TEN HOURS A WEEK alone in a car with this woman. She is fine, but by no means a BFF or (let's be real) an F. There is also the awkward matter of money. It feels weird taking cash from someone who works for me, but it really wouldn't be fair otherwise.
YUCK. If you have any ideas on how to ameliorate this situation, please (please!) send them my way.
Posted by Dori at 3:41 PM
10 Comments
Oh man. I worry that there IS no solution to this problem. I can't really see a way to avoid having to commute with her during bus-free weeks, unless you can change your schedule or something.
To handle the money discomfort, you could try posing the idea of a ride-share as if it just sprang to your mind that very day, and include talk of cost-sharing in that initial conversation. As in "Hey Sophie! I just thought of a way we can both save money during the months the bus isn't running -- we can go in my car. That way we don't have to take the commuter rail, and it will be cheaper because we'll be splitting gas both ways instead of each buying train tickets!"
??
What's wrong with either (a) not telling her that you're driving or (b) telling her that you treasure your morning commute as alone time/singing along with the radio/listening to books on tape and that you aren't willing to sacrifice that as you truly enjoy your day starting in that manner!
I would tell her that I like to walk fast, and that she is welcome to walk with me or to meet me at the office. Then I'd walk really fast.
She knows I'm driving. There's no way she wouldn't know. Also I've mentioned it. Whenever she complains about how annoying the train is (she took the train in the summer, before I started at this job), I say (because I'm a stupid woman with a heart of mush), "well, once I feel more confident about driving, I can drive us." And I think it would feel mean to tell her that I treasure my alone time etc. etc. I wouldn't feel right entering the office all toasty and comfy, having had my alone time while knowing that she just spent 1.5 hours commuting, and $5.25, and endured significant time in the cold. AND, if she got her own car, I wouldn't feel right about us both spewing carbon into the environment when we are basically going the same way.
Yeah there might not be a good solution here. Sounds like the circumstances either call for you to suck it up and deal with Sophie or be mean to hear in some way. Neither of which sounds very appealing, I'm sure.
Why are commutes so hard! I'm already dreading mine and I haven't even started it.
Perhaps there are one or two days a week when you can't ride-share because ... you're going to / coming from your parents' or some thing in some other town? I know, know, then you'd feel guilty and also paranoid about running into her, somehow, on the commute or in your neighborhood. Hmm.
-K
This is what I think I'd do: Tell her that driving makes me feel stressed, but books on tape help. I'd try to find some that reflect our shared interests and let it be a fun thing between the two of us, like a treat, a commute tradition.
For walks, I'd say "I walk super fast -- come with me if you want. Otherwise, see you there!" (As someone else stated.)
As far as the money goes, I think I'd let it be on the honor system. I'd hope she offered to pay but I wouldn't enforce it. You'd be driving without her anyway.
Good luck. I feel your pain! Job decompression time is super important.
This is a difficult problem. I have been in awkward situations like this but they were one-offs, whereas yours is a continuing problem.
You don't know how Sophie feels about commuting, or whether she wants to chat with the boss herself. Maybe she feels awkward, as well.
I think you need to confront it directly as soon as possible instead of letting it fester. Also, if you are the boss and in a position of authority, it is up to you to take the lead.
So maybe you can say something like: You have no doubt noted that on the bus I prefer to sit by myself (and then explain why). You can also say: When we take the rail, I walk at a faster pace, so please forgive me if I walk ahead. As far as driving, if you do drive, I think you need to lay out the ground rules immediately -- you will be listening to the radio, to books on tape, whatever. That, unfortunately, will be awkward because it is just the two of you and not a whole carpool with buffer people. Possibly she is less of an intrepid driver and she would rather drive than you, so if you can make sure you are covered insurance-wise, she can drive.
Also, it is typically noisy when you take the bus or drive, so you can say that with the ambient noise it is hard for you to talk and concentrate. Maybe you can wear headphones to reinforce the point.
But I think you need to face the issue with her. In the long run, not mentioning it is worse than discussing it.
Please keep us posted on what ensues. This is a tough one.
--PT
I thought girls were supposed to be able to *communicate*! Why can't you just tell her that you are happy to give her a ride but having some quiet/ listening-to-music time is important to you. She'd probably be fine with it and be glad to have some quiet time herself...
Also, it sounds like you are trying to be a considerate person and that since you know you make more than her, have her contribute to the gas but not split it evenly with you. I think that is the thoughtful thing to do. We all know what it was like to make less than we do now, and that we make much more than people lower on the totem pole!
How did this turn out for you? Melinda just gave me a link to this post since I had a similar situation. I gave a coworker a ride home for a year and a half and finally called it off. Do I feel a little guilty about it? Yes. But I'm more relieved than guilty!
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