Thing 1and Thing 2 and Thing 3 ...
I had high hopes for this weekend. I thought that I'd actually do some Things. Which include, but not limited to: laundry, working on my online class, socializing, cleaning, blogging, driving somewhere (I was thinking Target and/or the grocery store and/or a shopping plaza where I could return two unwanted purchases), paying bills, applying to jobs, exercising, and cooking.
While I did a few of the aforementioned Things, and also engaged in some restorative activities (finished Julia Child's
My Life in France, started the brilliant
Schopenhauer's Porcupines (a therapist's account of her clinical work), watched a bunch of TV via YouTube and Netflix ... ) I still find myself unable to rustle up the energy I need for the time-sensitive Things. I'm in this mode where the slightest obstacle overrides everything. For example: my neighbor's car is blocking my car in our driveway, and it would take maybe 5 minutes to call her and ask her to move it. But I just can't do it for some reason, and this rules out several car-contingent things.
I am similarly perplexed about why the pile of bills feels overwhelming (how long does it take to write out four checks?), and why I am able to sweep the bathroom floor but not wash it. Bigger Things feel even more impossible. The prospect of teaching the same online course material for the third time fills me with dread; same goes for writing cover letters.
I'm in a rut, sliding towards malaise, and Thing #1 should really be to Snap Out of It.
Posted by Dori at 1:34 PM
Oh, you. It's you again.
Because I am 30, I am quite wise. I have met and gotten to know many people. And with greater and greater frequency, I find myself observing that many of them are actually iterations of one another.
One of my dearest grad school friends just parted ways with
her boss, who is essentially the same woman I worked for in 2000: crazy, charismatic, loved from afar and mistrusted from within. Said woman is also on the loose in the Louisiana public schools, where she is tormenting my friend K..
I've spent the last few months hoping that the event I'm working on (now half over, thank God) would yield lasting love. Among the 26 industry partners, one is male, single, and Jewish; we'll call him Mike. Pre-event intel/gossip indicated that Mike is a Prospect: brilliant and kind. I
planned outfits for Mike. I
got an intermediate haircut for him. I sent him witty pre-event emails, trying to spark an electronic repartee that never materialized.
When Mike actually arrived, I had a flash of understanding. Versions of Mike are everywhere. They are on committees and boards; I've worked with them at length. The Mike species is fairly attractive, uber educated, uber connected. Mike prides himself on his LinkedIn connections and his networking prowess. He tells stories about his failed relationships to highlight that he's so damned vulnerable and girls just can't resist him. And he talks all the time about how this person or that person or the other person is
smart. Mike, of course, is super smart. And he's magnanimous enough to put all the smarties together at his frequent parties and "networking events".
I tried hard to give Mike the chance to fall in love with me. I went to his talk on career advancement, hoping he'd ask me out for dinner afterwards, since he was meeting up with a mutual acquaintance (failure). I sidled up to him at a group event (nada). I asked him about his weekend/evening plans and various other topics and got absolutely nowhere. Because I, of course, am invisible to Mike. I toil away behind the scenes. I ensure copies and coffee appear at regular intervals. Regardless of my hair or the new, perfectly fitting Gap pants, or my various professional/academic achievements, I am unworthy of a LinkedIn friend request or even a good morning.
The bottom line: Mike is not my husband.
Posted by Dori at 6:48 PM
Just a Few Reasons Why Event Planning Sucks
1) That Guy who shows up at the crack of dawn on the first day and needs to be welcomed and babysat during breakfast when there are so, so, so many other things to do.
2) That Other Guy who shows up 5 minutes before the first part of the first day; and demands access to a land line, a new name tag, and a relocated spot in the conference room.
3) That Woman who has gluten allergies and
needs a freshly mixed brew of caf- and de-caf coffee.
4) Those Weirdos with an aversion to condiments.
5) All Those Names: (in this case, our industry partners include Brett, Brendt, Bob, Rob, Ella, Ellen, Elie, and Eli); among our students are two Wangs, two Zhangs, two Wongs, two Yus, two Xus, and a Yang, Yi, and Yin.
Just saying.
Posted by Dori at 9:22 PM
Dispatch from the Abyss
OK, so I have new appreciation for medical professionals. I've dated like 50 of them and they all bitch and moan about stress and sleep deprivation and I always intellectually understand it but now I kind of
get it. And yes, I get that planning an event for 117 people (even one with 13 industry partners, a zillion faculty, algorithms, incredibly confusing role-plays in which the names are changed at the last minute and must be found and replaced in like 40 documents) is different than caring for cancer-stricken children 24/7 or whatever, but still.
I worked 87 hours last week (earning more than in a full semester of teaching - the single non-hateful thing about contract work is OVERTIME). And when I wasn't working I was dreaming or worrying about this event.
It is unbelievably busy/stressful, but I keep reminding myself that most of the craziness is the result of unavoidable things (faculty wants stuff edited and copied at the last minute, a student worker gets sick, etc.). Some people are (hilariously) marveling at my calm, but I am just a bundle of tired, nervous, slightly nauseous atoms (or neutrons or cells or something) whizzing around. I really need a big huge loving pep talk/thank you right now. Maybe with a side order of goat cheese souffle.
Luckily I get a lot of satisfaction from the students and the event itself, and hopefully the second wind that should be kicking in any time now.
Posted by Dori at 8:53 PM
I + E = Intensity and Excitement
So a big huge work project (two 7-day training events) is consuming my emotional/intellectual energy. I spend most of every day either working on said project; worrying about said project; or having long, boring dreams about it.
I refuse to refer to the project or the upcoming weeks as "hellish", "nightmarish" or "insane". Instead, I'm referring to the immediate future as "a time of intensity and excitement".
I will not bore you with the level of complexity associated with this "challenging"project. There are two tidbits that really capture it all.
Behold:
1) Remember how I'm working with scientists in my job? Well, the scientists have all kinds of interesting ways of giving directions. Instead of saying "make enough packets for 13 groups of ten students, plus copies for their 13 T.A.s and a few extras", the professors direct poor my poor humanities-educated self as follows: "Make 13S + 13T + E packets, whereas S = number of students, T = Teaching Assistants, and E = extras."
2) There's an exercise in which pairs of students have to have a conversation, and then switch
partners seven times. To my knowledge, normal people in the normal world would organize this as follows: "Students, pick a random person and pair up with him/her. Now pair up with another person you haven't spoken with." [repeat five more times].
But here: this would be way too simple. And thus the lovely faculty have devised an
algorithm to randomly pair up 122 students in seven different (and completely random) permutations.
Which is all to explain why my posting's been a little sparse of late, and may continue to be so for the next week or two.
Posted by Dori at 10:03 PM
